Toward What We Want

D-Day, the day the Western Allied forces liberated mainland Europe from Nazi occupation during World War II was June 6, 1944.  I understand that today's date is also considered Hunger Awareness Day.


How about changing the day to Full Stomach Awareness Day?


While we are at it, I want to change Stress Awareness Day to Peaceful Mind Day.


I learned at the Option Institute in Massachusetts that it is more effective to "Go toward what we want, instead of away from what we don't want." And I have found from experience that it works better that way.


And how about changing
Arthritis Month to Healthy Joint Month
Cholesterol Education Month to  Healthy, Open Arteries Month
World Alzheimer's Day to Clear Thinking Day
Breast Cancer Awareness Month to Healthy Breast Month
American Diabetes Month to Healthy Pancreas Month
National Alzheimer's Disease Month to Healthy Brain Month
and finally
The Great American Smoke Out to Healthy Lung and Heart Day


What do you think?   Do we have a chance of changing these?


Who makes these things up anyway?!


Wishing you a Happy, Present Moment Day.

World Autism Day

Today is World Autism Day.  Latest statistics show that one in 88 children in the United States are diagnosed with autism. 

Overcoming and curing autism is the focus of the Son-Rise program at the Autism Treatment Center of America in Sheffield, Massachusetts.  The staff and volunteers there are totally dedicated to the children and parents who take advantage of their teachings.  Barry Neil Kaufman and Samaria Kaufman cured their son of autism in the 1980s and they have been helping children and their parents since then.

There are things that parents can do to facilitate changes in their children.  But, it is important to accept the child as he or she is and love him or her unconditionally throughout the treatment.  Acceptance and love don't mean the parents don't want the best for their children, it just means total acceptance makes it easier for the child to heal and join the world of others instead of staying locked in a world of emotional isolation.

I counsel parents of autistic children, as does the Autism Treatment Center of America and the Option Institute.  There is hope and there is help.  :)

Fearless

Last night at my meeting we discussed fear and becoming fearless.  Several things were discussed.

What are we all afraid of?  We are afraid of how we are going to feel.  How we will feel if we loose our job. How we will feel if our relationship ends.  How we will feel if we or someone we love is ill.  How we will feel if someone we care about gets angry with us.  And on and on. 

Did you know that all fear is created in our own heads?  No matter what is going on in our world (loss of job, relationship, etc.) the fear doesn't just happen.  We feel afraid because of our beliefs, not because of the scenerio that is happening. 

What do you believe would happen if you got ill and weren't afraid?  Does fear facilitate healing?  I don't believe it does.

Fear is a choice and one of the ways we discussed to live with less fear, is to accept whatever happens as it is, be present to ourselves and the situation, and then we will have more interior resources to change the situation.

Being present can help the fear to fall away on its own.

Di-stress to De-stress

I was talking to a mother who said it was hard for her to think about her sixteen year old daughter  graduating and going to college next year.  She so loves her daughter and cherishes the moments they have together. 

We all have feelings about all of the things that are happening in our lives.  Instead of trying to push away, our thoughts and feelings about changes in our lives, we can enjoy the tug of deep love in our hearts, we can embrace it.  Pushing our feelings away, makes them more bitter than sweet, but embracing these feelings makes them more sweet than bitter.

We all have feelings all day long.  When we accept and embrace them, instead of trying to push them into the background (which causes stress) we are open and clear and emotionally available for whatever comes next.

There are those of us who have had to feel our di-stress in order to de-stress, so we could heal and thrive in life.  And I believe everyone benefits by allowing and feeling their present moment feelings.

When we live in the moment, we welcome all of our feelings and it is a very joyful way to live!

Follow the Path of No Resistance?

Questions to myself about an uncomfortable relationship.

If I don't resist what is happening, will the Universe (God) know what I want?  If I accept the uncomfortable relationship with someone I care about, will the Universe believe I don't want more (a better relationship)?  If I say I am perfectly okay, even though what is happening isn't what I want, will the Universe take that as the way I want it?

If I stop resisting the way it is now, will I be telling the Universe that is what I want?

How can I still want the relationship different, and be perfectly content with the way it is now?  So often, we believe that "the squeaky wheel gets the most oil."  I don't think it works that way with God; whining and complaining about circumstances won't change them for the better.

Being unhappy about the relationship won't make it better, it will just make me unhappy.  So I will try not resisting the way it is and just send love and caring to the other person in this relationship and see what happens.

HAPPY NEW CHANGE

Because New Year's day fell on Sunday this year, I went to church this morning (Christ Church Unity, Rochester, NY).  As I was getting dressed, I remembered that it was the day of the Tournament of Roses Parade.  I look forward all year to seeing the Rose Parade.  I couldn't really skip church, because I had committed to two volunteer jobs there this morning. 

I have the belief that the best thing that can happen is happening right now.  So I decided that making a change this year must be the best thing for me.  What if missing the parade would give me the opportunity for something new (and better)?

So, rather than judging missing the parade as bad for me, I dropped any feeling of regret about missing it, and was very present to my friends at church and my tasks; and really enjoyed myself at church.

It isn't what happens that effects how we feel, it is what we believe about what happens.

My intention for this new year is to be present and loving and continue to grow closer to my Source (God).

I wish you many present moments in 2012.

The Best Time

As you look back over holidays, do any times stand out over others?  Perhaps as you think of them, you will realize, those were the times you were the most present.  Maybe a loved one visited from out of town and you spent quality time with him or her.  While you were conversing with this person you probably weren't ruminating over past mistakes or mind-racing about future problems or concerns.  You were enjoying the moment instead.


When we put our attention in the moment, we enjoy our lives more and have more energy for the future. (Which we can live happy moment to happy moment then.) 


I used to spend so much of my time worrying about the past and fearing the future, that I couldn't enjoy the present.  So notice when you have been the happiest, and perhaps it has been when you were the most present.


Find something to focus on in the "now" and enjoy all of your moments.

HOLIDAY STRESS??

Holiday Time!
Our society puts so much emphasis on creating the biggest and best holiday celebration of our lives.  If we have had less than perfect holidays in years past, we want to make up for it this year.  If we have had perfect, wonderful holidays in the past, we want to make them more perfect this year.

All of this desired perfection causes us great amounts of stress. 

What if we decided that whatever we do or accomplish this year is perfect, just because that is what we did?  When we change the belief that there are enough activities or enough things to do to make our holiday perfect, we can enjoy whatever the season brings our way. 

Being centered and peaceful will create its own kind of perfection, we may not have the grandest holiday, but a most wonderful one.   Stress is not necessary, we just believed it was. 

Relax and enjoy your holidays!
Love, Jackie

How Much Interference?

A teenager once said, "How can it ever be wrong to love a person?" 

I have an acquaintance who was doing something I believed was detrimental to her children. I had said some things about it quite casually a few times, but didn't want to interfere in another person's business.   Yesterday I took the plunge and spoke about my concerns, because of my love for these children.

I was a nervous wreck watching what had been happening and a nervous wreck speaking up about it.  I had decided on Sunday morning that I wasn't going to stand by any longer and not speak up.  Then I got a migraine headache that lasted all day and into yesterday.  (When I was a child it wasn't safe to speak up and go against the beliefs and wishes of my parents; and I believe most of us have been taught in one way or another to "mind our own business.")

My acquaintance was receptive and we hugged after the conversation.  I still felt ill the rest of the day, but knew that I had acted out of love, not malice. 

Later in the evening someone said to me, "You did the right thing, I'm proud of you."  Even though I believed I had done the right thing, it was very nice to hear that from someone else.

So, how much interference?   I guess my answer is: Let your Love decide.

Stress

Stress is usually from our judgments. We judge something as bad or wrong or terrible or unjust. Then we create lots of uncomfortable feelings inside ourselves, and they add up to stress.

What happens when we don't judge, but accept things as they are?  We may want them different, but not get angry or fearful or stressed about it. 

This used to seem impossible to me.  I thought if I wasn't upset, it meant I didn't care. I thought if I wasn't upset, I wouldn't make any effort to change things.

Now I know that I can care very much and not be stressed about a situation.  Without the stress I have a lot more energy to do what I can to change a situation.

Autism as an Opportunity

Autism has given many parents the opportunity to learn more about themselves as people and parents. Impossible as it seems, having and autistic child can be the opportunity that helps parents learn how to create better lives  and better relationships for themselves and their families.

I have counseled many parents who are now having delightful relationships with their autistic children, spouses and others.

It starts with unconditional love for yourself as well as your child. Believing that each one of us is doing the best we can, with our beliefs and awareness at the time. Letting go of judgments frees parents to interact with their child in a very different and more effective way.

I mentor parents using the Option Process and information from the Son-Rise Program. I have found Skype very effective for counseling with people from different parts of the world.

You may want to check out Option.org or Son-Rise.org.

STRESS!
How many times a day do you feel stressed?  Did you know that no matter what happens, you can feel stressed - or not.  We feel stressed because be believe it will somehow give us some power to do something about situations that we may not have control over. Stress, like other emotions, comes from our beliefs.

Yesterday a friend said she was feeling stressed because her doctor's appointment was changed to a later date. She didn't realize she had a choice about how she was going to feel about that.  As I did a mini "Option Dialogue" with her she realized that the stress wasn't about the doctor's appointment being changed, but about her belief that it was unfair to her to change it.  Then I asked her what she believed would happen if she wasn't stressed about the situation, and she said she probably would feel a whole lot better between now and when she actually got to see her doctor.

Stress will not give us power, in fact, it seems to do just the opposite!

I counsel and coach individuals to help them let go of their stress and live happier more enjoyable lives and also create better more loving relationships. 
jackiementor@gmail.com

Whining

WHINING: Wanting Help Involving a Needy, Irritating, Noisy Gesture.

Most children whine at one time or another.  Many adults do too. How many times I wished for a magic wand to turn off the whining. The whining was usually about something I was unable or unwilling to do anything about. I suppose that is why they whined, because they already knew I wasn't able to "fix" it.

I had a 17 year-old foster son who didn't complain very often, but would occasionally whine about something that seemed trivial to me. (One day he asked what was for dinner and when I told him we were having Chinese, he whined "but I wanted macaroni and cheese.")

I was standing next to him, so I put my arm around his shoulders and said, "And I love you very much."
The next times he whined I did the same thing, just told him I loved him very much and put my arm around him if he was next to me.  After a while, the whining stopped!

I realized afterward that when someone whines they are suggesting that we don't love them enough.  (If we loved them enough we would fix their problem.) 

I have paid attention to this since, and it seems that every time someone whines they are really saying, "You don't love me enough."   So the next time someone whines to you, instead of explaining or justfying your position, just try saying, "And I love you very much."

And see what happens. (And let me know at Jackiementor@gmail.co.)

Autistic Children's Parents

One of my favorite segments of population to work with is parents and care givers of autistic children.  I help them learn how to live happily, without stress, with the reality and day to day challenges of parenting these youngsters (or adults, for that matter).  I have been trained at the Option Institute and Autism Treatment Center of America to counsel and give specific tools that are helpful to these parents.

A parent and former client writes: "Though weekly dialogues with Jackie, I have been able to sift through the layers of anger, guilt, judgment, and self-defeating beliefs to find renewed strength and a positive attitude about the present (and my child) that I had never been able to achieve while dwelling on the past or fearing the future.  Jackie's very loving and non-judgmental presence during our sessions has allowed me to answer her questions in an honest way that leads to acceptance and ownership of what I am able to change for myself and from there, to palpable change. Jackie has the authenticity, honesty, patience and attitude that everyone wishes they could find in a friend!' 

These children are very perceptive of what those around them are feeling and very often the parents upsetness shows up in the children's behavior.

You can reduce the stress of parenting an autistic youngster by total acceptance of them and yourself.  Acceptance doesn't mean there are no boundaries or guidelines.  Acceptance means to unconditionally love yourself and your child and come from that very loving place when interacting with your child.  Anger and rigidity don't seem to facilitate change, unconditional love and acceptance have a track record of success.

Three "O's"

Yesterday my yoga teacher said to try to find maybe ten minutes in the next week to relax from the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.  My thought is to take at least one full minute every day to do nothing except be quiet and relax.  It doesn't seem like much, but it may change the course of your day for the better.  We are human beings, not human "doings," although we usually live our lives as though doing was the most important thing.

Let me suggest the Three O's.
Observe - the situation.
Oxygen - take a deep breath.
Oh.

Of course we want to observe and enjoy the holiday season to the most.  I love the festive lights of this time of year (it seems to help make up for the short, cold, drab days). I love the spirit of giving (and receiving) and the music and the get-togethers.

And, let's take time to relax, breathe, smile, and thank God for love and joy this season.  Just a few seconds or minutes to revitalize our spirits.

Is Stress Necessary?

Did you know there are things you can do relieve and eliminate stress in your life?  Our stress isn't caused by people and situations in our lives. Stress is caused by what we think and believe about the people and situations in our lives.

When our child is unhappy, or we get laid off from our job, or our partner isn't as loving as we want, or the dog makes a mess on the floor, or the traffic is heavy and we get home late, most of us feel stressed.  I guess we believe there is some power in the anxiety and stress, to change the situation. But, usually that doesn't work and the stress goes on and on.

Even though we often believe the stress is useful, the reality is that calmness and peace of mind are almost always more useful.

How can we be calm and peaceful when so many unwanted situations are going on around us? 

Ask yourself if the stress is helping  the situation.  Then, ask yourself what you believe would happen if you weren't stresssed and anxious in the situaton. Chances are, that you would feel better.  Stress is not a necessary part of getting what we want, so relax and go with the flow and see if your life changes.

We Have Power Over Our Feelings

I am so excited about "reinventing" myself during my retirement years!  I have learned so much about life and living happily in the last few years, that I am helping others empower themselves with happiness too.

I certified as an Option Process Mentor Counselor at the Option Institute International Learning and Training Center in Sheffield, Mass. and am now working with individuals and groups teaching them that our feelings are the result of our beliefs.  I use a specific questioning process for people to discover their disempowering beliefs, and a way to change them to empowering, happiness producing beliefs.

Do you believe you "should" feel bad in certain situations?  Do you believe that feelings just "happen" without any control from you?  Do you believe that anxiety and frustration give you some kind of power?  Do you worry about things that "might" happen in the future?  Do you carry around guilt from the past? (One client said she always dragged her "little red wagon of regrets" along behind her.)

You are good!  You are your own best expert; you have all of your own answers inside of you!

My "Option" questions help people become clear about what they have been believing that causes them distress, and then clearly see how they can change it.

I work with people in person, on the phone and on Skype. You can reach me at jackiementor@gmail.com.

Mom Passed Last Week

My mom died last week at age 90.  She was healthy right up until the last few months.

 She and I had been estranged. Are we still? Does she know what I am doing and thinking?  Is she in a place where she can reach out to me in ways she couldn’t when she was living here on this plain? I think I would like that.

Mom grew up during the “great depression” and firmly believed in “waste not, want not.”  She learned stoicism, and not to show her feelings.  She was a caring person who didn’t “waste” time or energy on feeling and expressing her feelings, especially uncomfortable ones.  (She was appalled and indignant when my cousins put their arms around each other and cried at their father’s funeral.) 

Could it be that the real "waste" was the not feeling and expressing her feelings?

I wish Mom the happiest, most joyous, heavenly existence possible from this day forward, and I am believing that, now, she can take time to feel the joy and happiness that is there for her.

Ask For What You Want

About six weeks ago I was in a college book store looking for something for a friend of mine to remind her of her college days.  Most everything had the college name and logo on it and that wasn’t what I wanted, because she had attended a different college.  Then I came across a table of half price items. There were some soft, colorful “throws’ there (small blankets to snuggle in while studying) and I decided to buy one for my friend; they were colors she likes and were oh-so-soft.

As I was picking up the throw to check out one of the store employees (I’ll call her Kathy) said: “oh, are you buying that? I love those! Is it for yourself or someone else?”  I said I was going to get it and it was for a friend of mine.  She said: “I wish somebody would buy one for me.”  I went to the checkout and as I put it down on the counter, I said, “I’m going to do something outrageous.” I went back to the table and got a second blanket. I bought both of them and told the checkout girl to give the second one to the employee I had been talking to.

The checkout girl couldn’t believe I was doing that and asked me to wait until Kathy returned from the restroom so I could give it to her myself.  When she got back I gave it to her and at first she didn’t believe me that it was for her and then she was overjoyed!  We chatted a little and exchanged names and phone numbers. 

As I was leaving the college I thought, there is a wonderful lesson here: “Ask for what you want.”  If she hadn’t said she wished someone would buy her one of the blankets, I wouldn’t have thought of getting it for her.

About two weeks later, Kathy called me and asked if we could have lunch together some day.  We set up a date and she bought me lunch in the college cafeteria.  She told me that when she called her parents and told them about the blanket they reminded her that it was exactly one and one half years before that day, that her grandmother had died. She missed her grandmother very much and it seemed to her and her family that Grandma had somehow reached out to her by having this older lady give her a soft cuddly blanket for comfort.

 I would like to believe that was the reason I did something impetuous that day in the college book store.