Autistic Children's Parents

One of my favorite segments of population to work with is parents and care givers of autistic children.  I help them learn how to live happily, without stress, with the reality and day to day challenges of parenting these youngsters (or adults, for that matter).  I have been trained at the Option Institute and Autism Treatment Center of America to counsel and give specific tools that are helpful to these parents.

A parent and former client writes: "Though weekly dialogues with Jackie, I have been able to sift through the layers of anger, guilt, judgment, and self-defeating beliefs to find renewed strength and a positive attitude about the present (and my child) that I had never been able to achieve while dwelling on the past or fearing the future.  Jackie's very loving and non-judgmental presence during our sessions has allowed me to answer her questions in an honest way that leads to acceptance and ownership of what I am able to change for myself and from there, to palpable change. Jackie has the authenticity, honesty, patience and attitude that everyone wishes they could find in a friend!' 

These children are very perceptive of what those around them are feeling and very often the parents upsetness shows up in the children's behavior.

You can reduce the stress of parenting an autistic youngster by total acceptance of them and yourself.  Acceptance doesn't mean there are no boundaries or guidelines.  Acceptance means to unconditionally love yourself and your child and come from that very loving place when interacting with your child.  Anger and rigidity don't seem to facilitate change, unconditional love and acceptance have a track record of success.

Three "O's"

Yesterday my yoga teacher said to try to find maybe ten minutes in the next week to relax from the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.  My thought is to take at least one full minute every day to do nothing except be quiet and relax.  It doesn't seem like much, but it may change the course of your day for the better.  We are human beings, not human "doings," although we usually live our lives as though doing was the most important thing.

Let me suggest the Three O's.
Observe - the situation.
Oxygen - take a deep breath.
Oh.

Of course we want to observe and enjoy the holiday season to the most.  I love the festive lights of this time of year (it seems to help make up for the short, cold, drab days). I love the spirit of giving (and receiving) and the music and the get-togethers.

And, let's take time to relax, breathe, smile, and thank God for love and joy this season.  Just a few seconds or minutes to revitalize our spirits.

Is Stress Necessary?

Did you know there are things you can do relieve and eliminate stress in your life?  Our stress isn't caused by people and situations in our lives. Stress is caused by what we think and believe about the people and situations in our lives.

When our child is unhappy, or we get laid off from our job, or our partner isn't as loving as we want, or the dog makes a mess on the floor, or the traffic is heavy and we get home late, most of us feel stressed.  I guess we believe there is some power in the anxiety and stress, to change the situation. But, usually that doesn't work and the stress goes on and on.

Even though we often believe the stress is useful, the reality is that calmness and peace of mind are almost always more useful.

How can we be calm and peaceful when so many unwanted situations are going on around us? 

Ask yourself if the stress is helping  the situation.  Then, ask yourself what you believe would happen if you weren't stresssed and anxious in the situaton. Chances are, that you would feel better.  Stress is not a necessary part of getting what we want, so relax and go with the flow and see if your life changes.

We Have Power Over Our Feelings

I am so excited about "reinventing" myself during my retirement years!  I have learned so much about life and living happily in the last few years, that I am helping others empower themselves with happiness too.

I certified as an Option Process Mentor Counselor at the Option Institute International Learning and Training Center in Sheffield, Mass. and am now working with individuals and groups teaching them that our feelings are the result of our beliefs.  I use a specific questioning process for people to discover their disempowering beliefs, and a way to change them to empowering, happiness producing beliefs.

Do you believe you "should" feel bad in certain situations?  Do you believe that feelings just "happen" without any control from you?  Do you believe that anxiety and frustration give you some kind of power?  Do you worry about things that "might" happen in the future?  Do you carry around guilt from the past? (One client said she always dragged her "little red wagon of regrets" along behind her.)

You are good!  You are your own best expert; you have all of your own answers inside of you!

My "Option" questions help people become clear about what they have been believing that causes them distress, and then clearly see how they can change it.

I work with people in person, on the phone and on Skype. You can reach me at jackiementor@gmail.com.

Mom Passed Last Week

My mom died last week at age 90.  She was healthy right up until the last few months.

 She and I had been estranged. Are we still? Does she know what I am doing and thinking?  Is she in a place where she can reach out to me in ways she couldn’t when she was living here on this plain? I think I would like that.

Mom grew up during the “great depression” and firmly believed in “waste not, want not.”  She learned stoicism, and not to show her feelings.  She was a caring person who didn’t “waste” time or energy on feeling and expressing her feelings, especially uncomfortable ones.  (She was appalled and indignant when my cousins put their arms around each other and cried at their father’s funeral.) 

Could it be that the real "waste" was the not feeling and expressing her feelings?

I wish Mom the happiest, most joyous, heavenly existence possible from this day forward, and I am believing that, now, she can take time to feel the joy and happiness that is there for her.

Ask For What You Want

About six weeks ago I was in a college book store looking for something for a friend of mine to remind her of her college days.  Most everything had the college name and logo on it and that wasn’t what I wanted, because she had attended a different college.  Then I came across a table of half price items. There were some soft, colorful “throws’ there (small blankets to snuggle in while studying) and I decided to buy one for my friend; they were colors she likes and were oh-so-soft.

As I was picking up the throw to check out one of the store employees (I’ll call her Kathy) said: “oh, are you buying that? I love those! Is it for yourself or someone else?”  I said I was going to get it and it was for a friend of mine.  She said: “I wish somebody would buy one for me.”  I went to the checkout and as I put it down on the counter, I said, “I’m going to do something outrageous.” I went back to the table and got a second blanket. I bought both of them and told the checkout girl to give the second one to the employee I had been talking to.

The checkout girl couldn’t believe I was doing that and asked me to wait until Kathy returned from the restroom so I could give it to her myself.  When she got back I gave it to her and at first she didn’t believe me that it was for her and then she was overjoyed!  We chatted a little and exchanged names and phone numbers. 

As I was leaving the college I thought, there is a wonderful lesson here: “Ask for what you want.”  If she hadn’t said she wished someone would buy her one of the blankets, I wouldn’t have thought of getting it for her.

About two weeks later, Kathy called me and asked if we could have lunch together some day.  We set up a date and she bought me lunch in the college cafeteria.  She told me that when she called her parents and told them about the blanket they reminded her that it was exactly one and one half years before that day, that her grandmother had died. She missed her grandmother very much and it seemed to her and her family that Grandma had somehow reached out to her by having this older lady give her a soft cuddly blanket for comfort.

 I would like to believe that was the reason I did something impetuous that day in the college book store.