Stress

Stress is usually from our judgments. We judge something as bad or wrong or terrible or unjust. Then we create lots of uncomfortable feelings inside ourselves, and they add up to stress.

What happens when we don't judge, but accept things as they are?  We may want them different, but not get angry or fearful or stressed about it. 

This used to seem impossible to me.  I thought if I wasn't upset, it meant I didn't care. I thought if I wasn't upset, I wouldn't make any effort to change things.

Now I know that I can care very much and not be stressed about a situation.  Without the stress I have a lot more energy to do what I can to change a situation.

Autism as an Opportunity

Autism has given many parents the opportunity to learn more about themselves as people and parents. Impossible as it seems, having and autistic child can be the opportunity that helps parents learn how to create better lives  and better relationships for themselves and their families.

I have counseled many parents who are now having delightful relationships with their autistic children, spouses and others.

It starts with unconditional love for yourself as well as your child. Believing that each one of us is doing the best we can, with our beliefs and awareness at the time. Letting go of judgments frees parents to interact with their child in a very different and more effective way.

I mentor parents using the Option Process and information from the Son-Rise Program. I have found Skype very effective for counseling with people from different parts of the world.

You may want to check out Option.org or Son-Rise.org.

STRESS!
How many times a day do you feel stressed?  Did you know that no matter what happens, you can feel stressed - or not.  We feel stressed because be believe it will somehow give us some power to do something about situations that we may not have control over. Stress, like other emotions, comes from our beliefs.

Yesterday a friend said she was feeling stressed because her doctor's appointment was changed to a later date. She didn't realize she had a choice about how she was going to feel about that.  As I did a mini "Option Dialogue" with her she realized that the stress wasn't about the doctor's appointment being changed, but about her belief that it was unfair to her to change it.  Then I asked her what she believed would happen if she wasn't stressed about the situation, and she said she probably would feel a whole lot better between now and when she actually got to see her doctor.

Stress will not give us power, in fact, it seems to do just the opposite!

I counsel and coach individuals to help them let go of their stress and live happier more enjoyable lives and also create better more loving relationships. 
jackiementor@gmail.com

Whining

WHINING: Wanting Help Involving a Needy, Irritating, Noisy Gesture.

Most children whine at one time or another.  Many adults do too. How many times I wished for a magic wand to turn off the whining. The whining was usually about something I was unable or unwilling to do anything about. I suppose that is why they whined, because they already knew I wasn't able to "fix" it.

I had a 17 year-old foster son who didn't complain very often, but would occasionally whine about something that seemed trivial to me. (One day he asked what was for dinner and when I told him we were having Chinese, he whined "but I wanted macaroni and cheese.")

I was standing next to him, so I put my arm around his shoulders and said, "And I love you very much."
The next times he whined I did the same thing, just told him I loved him very much and put my arm around him if he was next to me.  After a while, the whining stopped!

I realized afterward that when someone whines they are suggesting that we don't love them enough.  (If we loved them enough we would fix their problem.) 

I have paid attention to this since, and it seems that every time someone whines they are really saying, "You don't love me enough."   So the next time someone whines to you, instead of explaining or justfying your position, just try saying, "And I love you very much."

And see what happens. (And let me know at Jackiementor@gmail.co.)

Autistic Children's Parents

One of my favorite segments of population to work with is parents and care givers of autistic children.  I help them learn how to live happily, without stress, with the reality and day to day challenges of parenting these youngsters (or adults, for that matter).  I have been trained at the Option Institute and Autism Treatment Center of America to counsel and give specific tools that are helpful to these parents.

A parent and former client writes: "Though weekly dialogues with Jackie, I have been able to sift through the layers of anger, guilt, judgment, and self-defeating beliefs to find renewed strength and a positive attitude about the present (and my child) that I had never been able to achieve while dwelling on the past or fearing the future.  Jackie's very loving and non-judgmental presence during our sessions has allowed me to answer her questions in an honest way that leads to acceptance and ownership of what I am able to change for myself and from there, to palpable change. Jackie has the authenticity, honesty, patience and attitude that everyone wishes they could find in a friend!' 

These children are very perceptive of what those around them are feeling and very often the parents upsetness shows up in the children's behavior.

You can reduce the stress of parenting an autistic youngster by total acceptance of them and yourself.  Acceptance doesn't mean there are no boundaries or guidelines.  Acceptance means to unconditionally love yourself and your child and come from that very loving place when interacting with your child.  Anger and rigidity don't seem to facilitate change, unconditional love and acceptance have a track record of success.

Three "O's"

Yesterday my yoga teacher said to try to find maybe ten minutes in the next week to relax from the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.  My thought is to take at least one full minute every day to do nothing except be quiet and relax.  It doesn't seem like much, but it may change the course of your day for the better.  We are human beings, not human "doings," although we usually live our lives as though doing was the most important thing.

Let me suggest the Three O's.
Observe - the situation.
Oxygen - take a deep breath.
Oh.

Of course we want to observe and enjoy the holiday season to the most.  I love the festive lights of this time of year (it seems to help make up for the short, cold, drab days). I love the spirit of giving (and receiving) and the music and the get-togethers.

And, let's take time to relax, breathe, smile, and thank God for love and joy this season.  Just a few seconds or minutes to revitalize our spirits.

Is Stress Necessary?

Did you know there are things you can do relieve and eliminate stress in your life?  Our stress isn't caused by people and situations in our lives. Stress is caused by what we think and believe about the people and situations in our lives.

When our child is unhappy, or we get laid off from our job, or our partner isn't as loving as we want, or the dog makes a mess on the floor, or the traffic is heavy and we get home late, most of us feel stressed.  I guess we believe there is some power in the anxiety and stress, to change the situation. But, usually that doesn't work and the stress goes on and on.

Even though we often believe the stress is useful, the reality is that calmness and peace of mind are almost always more useful.

How can we be calm and peaceful when so many unwanted situations are going on around us? 

Ask yourself if the stress is helping  the situation.  Then, ask yourself what you believe would happen if you weren't stresssed and anxious in the situaton. Chances are, that you would feel better.  Stress is not a necessary part of getting what we want, so relax and go with the flow and see if your life changes.